I finally understood girls - teenage, giggling, adolescent girls. And poets who wrote of loving caresses and exploding joy. She was a vision of light and life. Blue dress, length above the knees, beautiful, refined, delicately curved legs, so attractive, that thinking of them now makes me smile. Hair, wonderfully blond, passed her shoulders, straight, soft, sunshine. Sparkling eyes and smile. Clean, relaxed, upright posture. She was my assistant and everyday she would bring light into my room.
I don't know exactly when I fell in love with her. And yes, the emotion was proceeded by the attraction, keen raw animal attraction, but restrained, inexplicably held in place. She cared about my work, as I cared about it. She was intelligent. She was attracted to me. We sat in her truck one night, after a work related dinner. We talked and touched - touches of love, words of love - for hours. Then one afternoon we made love. She received me, so wet and slippery, that SHE was surprised by her response. I marveled and thrilled at her body beneath me - tiny breasts, smooth belly, brown soft thatch of hair. I loved having her. I loved her. Loved her.
I was seeing another woman at the time. We enjoyed each other and had fun together. Sex (SEX) is my obsession. There can never be enough. If I haven't as yet written about this obsession, I will, I will. Anyway ... A few days after that first efflorescence of love made real, I was over other woman's house, in her bed, staring at the ceiling. As she sucked my cock, I dissociated my mind from my body and the sensation of her lips on me. I couldn't do this. I stared at the ceiling. I was totally detached from the passion of those lips on me. I stared at the ceiling and thought - is this how it feels to be a woman, spreading her legs so he can have his way; to get it over with, detached, uncaring. I had lost my promiscuous desire.
I loved my assistant and only wanted her.
I could see us growing old together, sleeping together, laughing together. My thoughts would turn toward her and for no reason I'd smile. I was a smiling fool.
I wanted to be with her; feel her presence, hold her, look into her eyes. I felt warm having her near me. I didn't fuck her. I loved her, held her, as she held me. She was joy and light.
****
I told Carol I wanted a divorce, and wanted custody of Alexander. Carol said no; that I would do the right thing and break off the LOVE affair. (I do an injustice to this episode - I will someday explain in detail what happened - but not today.)
I told my lover that I couldn't give up my responsibility. That I couldn't, regardless of the pain that I was feeling. She cried. I cried. She gave me a small bottle of her perfume that I held ever precious to me for years but have eventually lost. Jovan. Her scent. To this day, it breaks my heart to smell it.
My lover gave me a gift that she will never know, besides the wonderful memories and the experience and insight of falling in love. After the breakup I would break into tears often and without provocation. Carol told me that I could try out for a play, the Sound of Music, the role of Captain Von Trapp. That I would be able to fall in love every night and that no one would be hurt. So I did. And I got the role. And I got to fall in love (harmlessly) every night. And so began my life as an actor.
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